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New Joke Thread...
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bbengineer
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:28 pm    Post subject: Gniark ! New Joke Thread... Reply with quote

Please place all of your jokes here (by replying to this thread) and not each in a new thread...

Thanks for your cooperation...

BBEngineer

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Hamptonoriginal
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:38 pm    Post subject: Oh yes ! joke Reply with quote

Laughing Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:40 pm    Post subject: Roleplay another Reply with quote

stole from ebaums haha
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.

Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances at a club, she makes the band skip.

Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time.

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.

Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.

Yo mama's so fat, when your dad climbs on top of her, his ears pop.

Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my ass on the lightbulb.

Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs.

Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck.

Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.

Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds.

Yo mama's so fat, the bitch jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, her lipstick comes in a spray can.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change.

Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.

Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she is backing up.

Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate, she got blue prints.
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:42 pm    Post subject:  funny haha Reply with quote

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:44 pm    Post subject:  a nother Reply with quote

Pet Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:46 pm    Post subject:  joke Reply with quote

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

i am such a post whore-enjoy
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 8:49 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

What is the difference betweena dog and a fox?
About five drinks
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 9:00 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Make love, not war, or do both--get married.
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:24 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A Penguin is driving cross country. His car breaks down and he takes it to a small town garage. While waiting he asks the mechanic if there is a place around to eat. So the mechanic points him to a local diner.

He goes in sits at a stool and orders a Pint of Vanilla Ice Cream. Since the penguin has no hands, he holds the pint of ice cream up to his mouth and eats directly from the bowl, getting Ice Cream all around his face.

He goes back to the shop with the Ice Cream all around his face and the mechanic says "You blew a Seal" to which the Penguin replies "No it's Just Ice Cream"...

Joe

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:48 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if I am going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 29, 2006 8:44 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

FOR HIS BIRTHDAY

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 Mortgage & no bike!"

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 9:18 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A middle-aged man was racing down I-5 when a CHP patrolman began a high speed pursuit. After an hour of racing in and out of lanes at speeds in excess of 100 MPH, the CHP finally got the man to pull over.

The cop tapped his ring on the window and motioned for the man to lower the side window, when he did he simply said, "Apparently, we are both having a really bad day, so if you can make me laugh I will let you go, otherwise, it's jail for you".

The man rubbed his chin and said, "Well, three days ago my wife left me for one of you guys?and?I thought you were trying to bring her back." He received no ticket.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:06 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right."

So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.

"Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:00 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:01 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"
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